We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
