"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
