The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
He was tripping his balls off and kept aggressively saying SIT ON MY FACE. 5 hours and countless orgasms later I've decided I must never let this man go.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
