I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
Randomize
