I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
Randomize
