Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Having a man strip on demand was an awesome way to start birthday. What more could a girl ask for? U the best!
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
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