whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
