my phone needs a breathalizer
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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