first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
She paid me 300 bucks to spank her and call her Baby Jane. Then we drank half a bottle of sippin whiskey. I'd call it a twelve out of ten.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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