Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
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I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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