I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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