My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Randomize
