what if every blade of grass was a penis?
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Think I just saw your homeless guy on High Street. Did you give him back his crutch?
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
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