Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
Randomize
