When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Randomize
