i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
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