when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Its like I've been given a sexual blank check.
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
There was puke outside of my classroom and lecture was half empty. Damn thirsty thursday is intense
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