Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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