I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
And then she said "sorry if my vagina smells like fish, it's just active."
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
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we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
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So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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