I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Just mADE A PArabola og urine
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
Come over. Bring cocaine. And my t shirt with the dolphin on it.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
Randomize
