Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
God I need to hump something, right now.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
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