Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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