I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
We all have a cross to bear. Yours just happens to be attracting gay men.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
beggars cant be choosers....im desperate and he has a dick. he checks all the boxes.
Randomize
