I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
He just turned 21, it's very obvious the end of their relationship is near. Now we play the waiting game.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
sorry
why?
oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
some people waaaaait a lifetime for a hookuppp like this some people seeeearch forever for that one special handjobbb
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
he had hair everywhere except his balls
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
