just upgraded from jello shots to jello bowls blacking out just got that much more delicious
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
can you pick me up an extra syllabus
i passed out in the shower again
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
That's like doing a cinnamon challenge in my vag - but more painful.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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