dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Randomize
