that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I might have pissed in the corner of someone's shed. They have nice lawn mower.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Randomize
