he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
