Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
If you hook up with your cousin you will permanently be my favorite person ever.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
Randomize
