My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
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Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
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All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
When's the last time you had sex near some ducks?
I wish I was taller so I could give these boobs the publicity they deserve.
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