i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
Have you not heard of Jennifer's supreme lust for William Shatner? She wants to eat Taco Bell off of his love handles
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I got the beer and the first aid kit. You get the tequila and burn cream. We should be set for the camping trip.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Randomize
