my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
The dick lei will go down in squad history
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Randomize
