I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Cool, I just put that together. I didn't know if using a tie-died sub machinegun was too crazy
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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