I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
