My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
Are you available to help carry me into the house Monday?
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Today we memorialize my orgasms. Taken from me over six months ago, gone too soon. Here's to hoping we'll see one again
Randomize
