Princeton has an emergency contraception worldwide website. It is in moments like these that I love my university
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.