he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
These 25 People Are Obsessed With Pizza
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
16 Sexual Experiences EVERYONE Should Have At Least Once
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.