I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Handcuffs. Recoverd. I'm a goddamn detective.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
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