dude i need to stop getting high. i cant afford to eat like this...
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
she said we were using the spray butter as air freshener
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
Randomize
