If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Randomize
