At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
