We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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