its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Randomize
