is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
It's 2:30 on a Friday afternoon. It's snowing and must be about 20 degrees outside. I'm sitting in this class with 300 people using up every ounce of energy and willpower not to puke all over the girl in front of me. This has got to stop.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Randomize
