yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Randomize
