you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My boss stocked the communal fridge with Gatorade. It's like he wants me to come in hungover.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Holy shit dude........stairs
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
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