I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
