Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.
didn't stop?
naw, they were rude, not me.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
