I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
He left his cock-ring in my truck.
Consider it a gay sex souvenir.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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