I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I told her the party couldn't handle my playlist LAZERBAWLS and I was right. Cops in the basement, orgy in the kitchen, jousting in the living room.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
