My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Hey, next time you have sex, flick his balls, and tell him "thats for getting spit in jennifer's eye and laughing about it."
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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