i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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