Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
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If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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