Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'm bringing poparts in case anyone gets hungry. The trek to frat row is strenuous.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize