Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
