Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
