I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
