You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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